The Timeline

an excerpt from my journal.


April 11, 2018. 

May 26, 2018. 

August 3, 2018. 

August 26, 2018. 

I tend to keep a timeline of my faults.

I keep a record of my wins and losses, as if my entire life is a scoreboard which cannot be erased. 

In all honesty, there is a major flaw in my walk with Christ. I calculate my success as a Christian based on the time intervals between my falls, promising myself that there will not be another point on the timeline to connect the previous to. I put none of my substance on the side of my scale labelled Faith, instead choosing to pile my worth and soul on the side labelled Actions

This is a condemning, disheartening, and ultimately damning practice;  and it is a weight I daily choose to bear. Despite what I may sing and proclaim on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, I act straight from the belief that I alone can save my soul from here on out. Which is deception, for I cannot. I act upon the belief that after the Initial Reconciliation, it is entirely upon my own shoulders and self to ensure a heaven-bound path. 

“My soul, praise Yahweh, and all that is within me, praise His holy name. My soul, praise the Lord, and do not forget all His benefits. He forgives all your sin; He heals all your diseases. He redeems your life from the Pit; He crowns you with faithful love and compassion. He satisfies you with goodness; your youth is renewed like the eagle.” {Psalm 103:1-5}

While I’m not denying that my actions are important, I’m admitting I have lost focus on my actual faith. I have placed importance on the believer, rather than the One I believe in. Nevertheless, while I at times have not been faithful, He always has been. As I wrote in a recent note: “Thank you, Lord. For pursuing our hearts, even when we didn’t pursue You.”

With the remainder of my strength, I am forced to cry out in remembrance. 

He, Lord above all, God of Heaven’s Armies, is constant

Faithful

Loving.

Gracious

Lord, I come to your arms, holding what I haven’t spent of my heart. My spirit worn thin. A once bountiful soul, now decreased. 

I am the one whose life You planned. 

The one You watched as she grew. 

The one You, two years ago, welcomed as Your child. 

And now, sitting at my desk in a dimly lit room, Your Spirit comforts, and reminds me that I am still Yours, despite it all. 

Lord, I pray for renewal. That You would scatter this collection of wins and losses, failures and successes, as far as this universes reaches – that we may begin anew. 

This time living fully, without a tally mark for every breath. 


In Christ,

Jessi

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